Defined by Tiredness

Defined by Tiredness

“If you’re so tired why don’t you just go to bed?”

I never just do nothing. If I want ‘me time’ the only option is to stay up late, usually watching back to back episodes of trashy TV on Netflix. I’m tired, I should be in bed, but sometimes I want to do nothing. Just sit and do nothing.

I thought it would get better when she started play school. 2 & 1/2 hours a day to myself. Absolute bliss.

It did start to get better. Then she was ill. For over two weeks.

Even when we did get into some kind of a routine I still felt tired. Those 2 & 1/2 hours to myself are spent working. When she’s with her grandparents I work. When she’s asleep I work. I rarely switch off and it’s exhausting; even on the rare occasions that I do switch off I still have my phone at arms length,  checking for emails and refreshing social media.

I find myself leaning towards CBeebies to become my friendly, reliable babysitter more and more just so that I can have a moment of peace, a moment of doing nothing.

defined by tiredness

I’m turning down nights out with friends because I can’t handle the thought of even more exhaustion caused by a late night of partying coupled with a stinking hangover. Gone are the days of moping around feeling sorry for myself on the sofa the morning after the night before. Of course I could just not drink, but I’m too tired to not drink, if I don’t down at least ten jager-bombs I find myself sitting there yawning, ready to abandon ship before most people have finished their pre-drinks and made their way to the pub.

I feel down because I don’t get out and I don’t see anyone.

I crave those nights out with my fellow mam’s, drinking to take a break from reality, to let ourselves go, to do some crazy dancing and a lot of talking. I’m just not sure the exhaustion and the aches and pains are really worth it for that one night of loving life, that night of letting go and just being me, albeit a slightly hyper, crazy version of me. But me.

Maybe I will always be tired. Maybe tired and miserable is just who I am now. I am defined by tiredness. 

I’m not even really sure if this blog post makes sense or what the point of it is, and I’m too tired to really care. 

5 Comments

  1. 8th November 2017 / 10:02 am

    Hun, I’m with you 100% on the eternal tiredness front. No matter how much sleep I get I’m constantly tired. Even with the hubby doing the night calls (who said they stop once they learn to sleep through) I’m still knackered during the day. And yes, I could snooze while our son is in preschool but nope, like you, I have blog work to do (not that I make money from it like you do). I think as a parent you are doomed to tiredness until they become teenagers who want sleep themselves! Just remember you’re not alone. There are alot of us out there suffering in silence with you x

  2. EG
    9th November 2017 / 10:54 pm

    This made me feel really sad for you. I don’t have kids so can’t truly understand what you’re going through or even offer any helpful advice. Can you ask the grandparents to maybe look after Aria for a whole weekend, take time off from working and just properly chill? It sounds like you’re burning out. I hope it improves for you!

  3. 12th November 2017 / 8:51 pm

    I feel as though I could have written this myself. I am completely with you on this Leanne and it’s awful, crippling and all consuming. I feel more tired now than I did in the newborn days and I hope we get some kind of relief soon.

  4. 18th November 2017 / 9:36 am

    I’m with you all the way babe. I get this completely. Motherhood takes a massive toll on us then add on top of that all our daily tasks, illness and life. It is so exhausting. I haven’t been on a night out in ages. I haven’t seen my friends in so long.

  5. 18th November 2017 / 9:37 am

    I can totally relate Leanne, not sure how I get to the end of most days I definitely have coffee to thank. I think this is one of the biggest down-sides to being self employed and a blogger, you can never just switch off. As parents I think we often run on empty but there’s only so far our tanks will go without a top up. I’ve started to get stricter with myself and forcing myself to switch off, it’s not easy but totally necessary xx

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