Living my Life Through Fear of Judgement

Recently big mummy bloggers like Constance Hall and Toby and Roo have openly spoken about the fact that they swear in front of their children and they see no harm in doing so. This whole debate has me questioning why I do and don’t do certain things. Every time I come back with the fact that it just isn’t socially acceptable, what would other people think? I live my life through fear of judgement. A lot of my decisions are based on what is seen as right and what is seen as wrong. Based on fear of being judged.

Spencer and I never swear in front of Aria, or at least not intentionally. There have been times, where, for example, I’ve dropped something and screamed “oh for fucks sake”, and I’ve instantly felt real bad, proper mam guilt. Swearing in front of children is just not what you do, it’s not the done thing.

It’s not just Aria, I don’t swear on my blog and  I don’t swear in front of certain people, yet I swear like a trooper in front of most people. I love using a good old f’bomb to vent my passion or frustration, hell, I’m even partial to a c’bomb, especially after a drink or ten!

It led me to question why exactly I hide my true self from certain people.

All I could come up with was the fear of being judged. I don’t swear in front of Aria because people will be disgusted, imagine the horror if people hear me swearing in front of a two year old, or, even worse, if she repeats those words. I don’t swear on my blog because people may not like it, it may put readers off and brands may not want to work with me if I’m ‘sweary’. I don’t swear in front of my elders or professionals because I’ve always been taught to respect them, but just how is expressing myself disrespectful?

It’s not just the swearing, there are other things too. Things like telling Aria she can’t climb up the slide, only go down. I am always conforming. Doing what is expected of me rather than what I want to do. I imagine that this is partly due to my anxiety and also the fact that I was picked on in my school days. My anxiety may even be as a result of being picked on, maybe all of my problems and fears stem from those horrid teenage bullies.

I can’t relax on a night out, at least not until I’m drunk. I just worry, worry about what I’m wearing, worry about how I look. There is absolutely no way I am getting up to dance at your party if I’m sober, what if my dancing is awful? I need shots for that. Drunk me doesn’t give a shit, drunk me will dance all night. I love drunk me, sober me really needs to take some tips from drunk me.

I want to lose weight, I really should do it for health reasons, but the only thing that is motivating me is the worry over how I look and what people are thinking about me. I hate the fact that people are probably talking about how much weight I’ve put on, which isn’t a bad thing, but another example of how fear of being judged is impacting my life, both negatively and positively.

I’m not going to change over night, there is always going to be a part of me that feels the need to conform, that is too worried about what others may think to break the mould, but I am going to try, try and live my life without fear of being judged.

It’s time to stop hiding who I am for fear of being judged. Time to just be me.