Living my Life Through Fear of Judgement

Recently big mummy bloggers like Constance Hall and Toby and Roo have openly spoken about the fact that they swear in front of their children and they see no harm in doing so. This whole debate has me questioning why I do and don’t do certain things. Every time I come back with the fact that it just isn’t socially acceptable, what would other people think? I live my life through fear of judgement. A lot of my decisions are based on what is seen as right and what is seen as wrong. Based on fear of being judged.

Spencer and I never swear in front of Aria, or at least not intentionally. There have been times, where, for example, I’ve dropped something and screamed “oh for fucks sake”, and I’ve instantly felt real bad, proper mam guilt. Swearing in front of children is just not what you do, it’s not the done thing.

It’s not just Aria, I don’t swear on my blog and  I don’t swear in front of certain people, yet I swear like a trooper in front of most people. I love using a good old f’bomb to vent my passion or frustration, hell, I’m even partial to a c’bomb, especially after a drink or ten!

It led me to question why exactly I hide my true self from certain people.

All I could come up with was the fear of being judged. I don’t swear in front of Aria because people will be disgusted, imagine the horror if people hear me swearing in front of a two year old, or, even worse, if she repeats those words. I don’t swear on my blog because people may not like it, it may put readers off and brands may not want to work with me if I’m ‘sweary’. I don’t swear in front of my elders or professionals because I’ve always been taught to respect them, but just how is expressing myself disrespectful?

It’s not just the swearing, there are other things too. Things like telling Aria she can’t climb up the slide, only go down. I am always conforming. Doing what is expected of me rather than what I want to do. I imagine that this is partly due to my anxiety and also the fact that I was picked on in my school days. My anxiety may even be as a result of being picked on, maybe all of my problems and fears stem from those horrid teenage bullies.

I can’t relax on a night out, at least not until I’m drunk. I just worry, worry about what I’m wearing, worry about how I look. There is absolutely no way I am getting up to dance at your party if I’m sober, what if my dancing is awful? I need shots for that. Drunk me doesn’t give a shit, drunk me will dance all night. I love drunk me, sober me really needs to take some tips from drunk me.

I want to lose weight, I really should do it for health reasons, but the only thing that is motivating me is the worry over how I look and what people are thinking about me. I hate the fact that people are probably talking about how much weight I’ve put on, which isn’t a bad thing, but another example of how fear of being judged is impacting my life, both negatively and positively.

I’m not going to change over night, there is always going to be a part of me that feels the need to conform, that is too worried about what others may think to break the mould, but I am going to try, try and live my life without fear of being judged.

It’s time to stop hiding who I am for fear of being judged. Time to just be me. 

From Judging to Judged – Parental Judgement

Judging people, it’s human nature really isn’t it? Especially when it comes to parents, everyone who is everyone judges parents. I have in the past, even before I was a parent myself which was really silly, I hadn’t experienced bringing up children myself so who was I to pass judgement on others?

crying baby sat on bed wearing I'm not tired vest - header image with text over from judging to judged - parental judgement

It’s funny how the tables turn. There have been a few instances lately where things have happened to me and I have realised that I have previously judged someone for the exact same thing.

Just the other week I judged someone because it was raining and they had their poor son out in his pushchair with no raincovers. He looked cold and wet. I went into work and commented on how awful that was. A week or two later I absolutely had to go out and was alone with Aria. It was raining but I needed to go out. The raincovers were in Spencer’s car, which conveniently was at work with him. I was now the cruel mother taking her daughter out in her pushchair with no raincovers, allowing her to get cold and wet.

Before becoming a parent I would comment on children’s behaviour while out and about all too often. Muttering phrases under my breath such as ‘control your children’ and ‘I would never let me child get away with that’. I now know the reality. Sometimes, just sometimes, when you haven’t had proper sleep for a week or are feeling down and vulnerable, it is easier to allow your child to run riot, often in the hope that they will get it all out of their system and you can have five minutes peace, just five minutes peace is worth the humiliation and the judgement passed by others at your unruly child. Sometimes because you simply can’t muster up the energy to tell them no, and you certainly can’t deal with the strop that would follow if you dared to say no.

Spoiling children is another fine example. How many times have you seen a child perform in a shop or cafe because they want something, and then roll your eyes when the parent gives in to the angry tears and stomping feet? Just think before that eye roll, that nervous mother probably doesn’t want the humiliation and attention of the breakdown that would follow a refusal. Sometimes, just sometimes when you’re feeling down and vulnerable it is easier to just give in.

So please, stop before you judge. You don’t know that person’s situation. You don’t know what they are going through or the circumstances leading up to this particular situation. I urge you all, think before you judge.