“If you’re so tired why don’t you just go to bed?”
I never just do nothing. If I want ‘me time’ the only option is to stay up late, usually watching back to back episodes of trashy TV on Netflix. I’m tired, I should be in bed, but sometimes I want to do nothing. Just sit and do nothing.
I thought it would get better when she started play school. 2 & 1/2 hours a day to myself. Absolute bliss.
It did start to get better. Then she was ill. For over two weeks.
Even when we did get into some kind of a routine I still felt tired. Those 2 & 1/2 hours to myself are spent working. When she’s with her grandparents I work. When she’s asleep I work. I rarely switch off and it’s exhausting; even on the rare occasions that I do switch off I still have my phone at arms length, checking for emails and refreshing social media.
I find myself leaning towards CBeebies to become my friendly, reliable babysitter more and more just so that I can have a moment of peace, a moment of doing nothing.
I’m turning down nights out with friends because I can’t handle the thought of even more exhaustion caused by a late night of partying coupled with a stinking hangover. Gone are the days of moping around feeling sorry for myself on the sofa the morning after the night before. Of course I could just not drink, but I’m too tired to not drink, if I don’t down at least ten jager-bombs I find myself sitting there yawning, ready to abandon ship before most people have finished their pre-drinks and made their way to the pub.
I feel down because I don’t get out and I don’t see anyone.
I crave those nights out with my fellow mam’s, drinking to take a break from reality, to let ourselves go, to do some crazy dancing and a lot of talking. I’m just not sure the exhaustion and the aches and pains are really worth it for that one night of loving life, that night of letting go and just being me, albeit a slightly hyper, crazy version of me. But me.
Maybe I will always be tired. Maybe tired and miserable is just who I am now. I am defined by tiredness.
I’m not even really sure if this blog post makes sense or what the point of it is, and I’m too tired to really care.