I feel overwhelmed. I’m touched out. I feel down and alone. I am emotionally and physically exhausted. My baby is six and a half months and waking almost every single hour during the night for a feed. This has been happening for the past two and a half months (she slept through before then). I’m worn out.
Is this PND or am I just sleep deprived?
Everyone is blaming breastfeeding for her lack of sleep.
The breastfeeding does get to me at times, I think it would be so much different if it wasn’t for breastfeeding. Not because she would sleep, but because I could have a night off. I hate that I’m the only one who can feed her and, at times, I resent my husband for it; but on the other hand I don’t make any real effort to resolve the situation. I know I could make more of an effort to get her on bottles, but I also know that it will be hard and it’s so much easier to just give in and feed her myself.
I spend the whole week counting down for the weekend for when I have an extra pair of hands helping out. On the rare occasion that he has plans for the weekend I get real worked up and anxious. Grumpy for the whole week before.
Some mornings I wake up tired, I moan and groan but I get on with it. Other mornings I wake up exhausted. Almost empty inside. I don’t want to get out of bed. I don’t want to get dressed. I don’t even want to brush my teeth. Everything I do is an effort. I snap at my four year old. I feel guilty but I can’t control it. I feel angry at the baby, though I know it’s not her fault. I don’t want to feel like this but I can’t pull myself out of it, not today. On a good day I know that getting dressed and doing the school run will make me feel so much better. On a bad day I can’t do these things. I just don’t have it in me.
Is this PND or am I just lazy?
It’s not always bad, I often get good days when I do the basics like tidying up, school runs and even going for walks and I feel so much better for it. Other days it hits me and I just want to stay in PJs and not even get washed for days until I manage to pull myself back out of it.
I know that going for a walk will make me feel better, but I’d rather not get dressed. I know that doing some housework will make me feel better, but I’d rather sit and aimlessly scroll, not really taking anything in.
I want to do things but also want to sit on the sofa feeling frustrated that things aren’t getting done.
Is this how it feels to have PND?
I’ve made the first steps to finding out and possibly getting help, if I need it. I’ve booked a Doctors appointment. I’m writing this down because I’m sure that if I don’t I will cancel that appointment.