Many years ago I had very little confidence to do things by myself. As with most insecure people I come across as confident, when in reality I was anything but. I used to hate doing anything alone, even down to going in the local shop by myself, always asking my husband to come in with me instead of just hovering outside in the car, we had many rows about it but I never wanted to go in alone, I felt like people were watching me, judging me and always worried I would hit something over, fall or do something stupid.
Along came my blog, I went out alone and met new people, alone, I threw myself into it despite absolutely crapping myself and it worked, I wasn’t full of confidence but I slowly became more confident, I could now go in to the local shop alone, I still felt paranoid but I could do it. I still couldn’t go on a shopping trip by myself but the local shop was fine.
Then along came Aria. I go everywhere with her, either in the pushchair or in her wrap. I walk around full of pride and am comfortable knowing that everyone is looking at Aria, not me. I’m never alone, I always have my baby with me.
I now go for walks with absolutely no purpose other than to walk, I would have felt silly just walking before, I had to have a purpose for everything that I did, now that I have Aria I am more than happy to pop her in the pushchair and walk for miles, not caring what people think of me or worrying that I may fall over, because people look at Aria, not me.
It wasn’t until very recently that I realised how much I relied on this. Now that I am so used to having Aria with me I don’t want to go out without her. Spencer took over the pushchair the other day and I said “I don’t know what to do with my arms!”. I have always either carried a bag or recently been pushing Aria, without either I was so conscious of my arms and what to do with them.
It was then that I realised, I always have hid behind something, my husband, my bag and now my daughter. She may be dependant on me, but I am on her too, she is my security blanket.
People comment on how brave I am taking her on long days out alone, in all honesty, I’m nervous and shy, taking Aria on days out with me gives me added confidence and something to talk to people about, I’m really anything but brave, I’m just hiding behind a baby.
Do you hide behind anything or anyone?